I want to unfold.
I don’t want to stay folded anywhere,
because where I am folded, there I am a lie.
~ Rainer Maria Rilke
Wow! Did that knock your socks off as much as mine?! Boy, the Universe is not playing with this one! I've been unfolding lately. A lot. It's actually been quite painful. Not that anyone would know. That's one of my folded parts ~ self containment, dealing with things on my own, not feeling safe enough to be vulnerable with my broken parts. But I'm learning and unfolding. I'm learning to step out from my safe turtle shell and be wide open; to unfold to all the internal darkness and truth. It's not easy for me. Really it's the most difficult challenge of my life. The ironic part is that I help others do this on a daily basis with my coaching practice. I help shine the light on the broken parts, help my clients fight their own demons, stand in the fire with them, sword lifted, spirit driven to save them. I'm good at it. Really good at it. Oh! Did I mention that I'm learning?! What is life if nothing but one big learning party after the other?! Yes, I'm learning and unfolding. I'm learning how to be my own dragon. To stand in my own fire and not shrink and hide and to bravely speak my truth.
Most of my life, okay, my whole life, I've put on my happy face, I've been "okay" even in the midst of total and utter hell. It was my only choice at times. Being small and insignificant has saved my life more times than I can count. Especially when I was growing up and living like a hunted animal. The monster did not live under my bed but walked freely throughout our house. To survive, I learned to blend in to the surroundings, not to speak or make a sound that would cause me to be found and devoured. Trauma like that does not disappear over night. It grows roots, clings to the parts of our soul that are bleeding and oozing for its own breath and life. It's hard to break free from. But I am learning. I'm learning how to unfold, to shine a light into those dark and wounded places that even at 50 years old, still feel brand new and as alive as their birth. More importantly, as challenging as it is, I'm learning to allow people into those dark places with me. Lucky folks, I know! I've denied myself so long, not lived my truth, dismissed it and dishonored it. The truth is growing up was beyond horrific for me. I've tried to make sense of my experience. There is no sense to be made of it. I've resolved that there never will be. My childhood was a long time ago and yet, the last 10 years have been just as traumatic in ways. I've had huge, monumental, devastating trials and mountains to climb over. Yet, through it all I've always been "fine." Except on those rare occasions when the feelings overwhelm me I burst wide open like a ripe, juicy watermelon. Then I quickly mend and repair myself, slap a bandage on it carry on. I'm learning! I'm unfolding.
The truth is that I have outgrown the folds. They really do not serve me anymore. What they do serve now is a higher, grander purpose in how I will and can help my clients. I made a declaration years ago that I would use my experiences to help heal folks, to bring them out of the darkness into their own brilliant and magnificent light. I'll be damned if I have gone through these things for nothing! These folds, as ugly and devastating as they are, are teaching gems. What I have learned will help me to be of service to those hurting and lost. That is my greatest passion in life. I've known this as far back as I can remember. My life's purpose is to help and serve others. It ignites a deep, fiery dragon in my soul that will stand in the fire, not shrink back, fighting to help others save themselves.
I'm celebrating and honoring this unfolding. I"m dancing in the joy of my learning. I'm singing with a strong and powerful voice of my truth. I'm learning to be patient, gentle and courageous. I'm learning and unfolding and I'm so honored.
